Films I haven’t watched – Ghostbusters 2016

There was a remake of Ghostbusters in 2016, but I didn’t watch it. So that puts me in the perfect position to review it!

Ghostbusters is about four women (who have vaginas) who decide to get revenge on the ghost of a man (who has a penis) One of the vaginas is crazy all the time and does things like spinning on the spot for three hours or that game that Bishop does in Aliens where he stabs the knife in between Hudson’s fingers, but she does it even quicker because having a vagina means that you can do things even quicker and better. One of the other vaginas is very angry and says things like, “Oh no you di’nt!” and “Mother****** gon’ get his **** ****** **** **** right up!” The other two vaginas have no personalities.

My favourite bit was when they were doing things better than the men, which was all of the film! These gals sure can bust ghosts! When one of the ghosts is flying through the air towards them, it’s the ghost that’s scared of them and it does a little ghost poo that falls on one of the ghostbusters and she looks at the poo and laughs because she ain’t afraid of no ghost and then she busts the ghost and the ghost goes “Noooooo! My children!” and the woman doesn’t care and she sucks the ghost into her mouth and then there’s a comedy bit where she farts afterwards and looks into the camera and says, “That’s a spicy-a meatball!” and then she winks. This bit was the scariest bit because I thought she was winking at me, and I thought that I might be a ghost and that I was next. But then the film continued and I breathed a sigh of relief.

The ghost of the man is a bad man but also a loser, so he poses no threat whatsoever to vaginas. He is easily defeated in a showdown that can only be described as ‘lazy’. And then the film carries on for, like, six hours because women can be funny too and if you don’t agree then you’re sexist and you better laugh because women are beautiful and funny and you’re just an idiot with a penis who doesn’t understand what it’s like to have children.

I was confused when not watching this film, but I think that was the intention. They purposefully made a film that people who liked the original film wouldn’t like, so did opposite things like not being funny or interesting. Character development suffers greatly as most of the characters’ defining traits are that they have a vagina (or a penis if they’re a baddy or stupid) I wouldn’t recommend not watching this film unless you own a vagina yourself because otherwise you won’t be powerful enough to understand the message that sisters are doing it for themselves and they don’t need no man nu-uh and girl power.

Films I haven’t watched – The Postman

Hey up!

I’ve decided to review some films, but I didn’t want to make it easy on myself so I’m only writing about films I haven’t actually seen yet. First up; The Postman!

The Postman is the story of Johnny Cock, although all of his friends call him Cocky John on account of his six foot penis that he has to drag behind himself every day. Cocky is played by real-life man-with-a-cock, Kevin Costner*. Cocky is a man on the edge; Postman by morning, private detective by night. In the afternoon he does Pilates classes. I’m not sure when he sleeps. During one of his more intense postmanning sessions, Cocky is picking bits of grit out of his balls when he hears a scream from a nearby house. Shambling up to the window, he peeks inside and sees a woman screaming her head off before she is brutally killed by a man from the future, possibly played by Jean Claude Van Damme. I might be confusing this bit with the plot of TimeCop. Anyway, Jean Claude Van Damme plays a cop from the future who kicks Joel Silver in the face and then the Joel Silver from the future gets a scar on his face from when Jean Claude Van Damme from the future kicked him in the past, but he’s also there and it happens then. Then something explodes.

After witnessing the murder, Cocky is confused about whether to go to the police, after all if he does then they’ll find his DNA all over the window, so he decides to solve the killing himself. He sets up one of those big walls with newspaper clippings and a map and starts attaching a bit of red string with pins. He keeps saying things to himself like, “But why!?” and “This makes no sense!”. I’ll be honest, I was really confused at this point as I wasn’t sure what he was trying to do because the woman’s body hadn’t even been found yet, let alone written about in newspapers but there was some pretty dramatic music and it’s amazing how quickly 40 minutes goes by with that kind of intensity. Eventually he realises that killers always go back to the scene of the crime, even though they don’t so he goes back to the scene of the crime and there’s nobody there and then his eyes go really wide and he falls to his knees and realises that he was the killer all along. Then he tries to make a run for it, but he’s hot on his own trail and can’t get away. He starts crying and then looks into the camera and says “There’s only one way to stop me” and then winks really slowly. I mean, REALLY slowly. It slows down so much that it takes one minute and seven seconds for him to wink. We cut to the next day where another postman is opening a postbox to pick up the mail, but instead of the mail there is Cocky’s dead body after he stuffed himself into the postbox to stop himself from ever killing anyone else again apart from himself but that didn’t count because he was doing it to stop himself from killing anyone ELSE didn’t you read it the first time?

Anyway, I was very confused during the time I wasn’t watching this film and I could’ve been watching TimeCop. TimeCop is about a man called Jean Claude Van Damme who is played by Jean Claude Van Damme who goes back in time to solve crimes and arrest people before they can even commit a murder. Then he gets framed for a murder and has to go on the run to clear his name, but he still gets caught by Colin Farrell’s eyebrows. And then he gets sent to the sun in a rocket ship and the ending is really sad because you see Jean Claude Van Damme bashing on the window of the rocket ship shouting “I’m not a bad man!” and then it takes off and everyone salutes him as he flies into the sun. I highly recommend watching TimeCop with accoutrements of; Quails Eggs inside Kinder Surprise eggs and Tizer.

That said, I can’t really recommend not watching The Postman. It says on IMDB that it’s 46 hours long, but it didn’t feel like that and they say that time flies when you’re having fun, so I’ve changed my mind and now think it’s brilliant.

*Independent verification required. Although I have stated this as fact, this is actually only an educated guess. I have no way of telling what, if anything, Kevin Costner is packing.

A whole new blog

Hey y’all!

So, I’ve decided to resurrect my old blog and start writing some stuff! Could be a regular thing, probably won’t be because, honestly, if I haven’t got the time to write it you probably haven’t got the time to read it! But you never know, people might be inspired and highly influenced by my words!

Avanti!

Darren